My one hope it that you enjoy it with lots of laughs.  My other hope is that my parents who will undoubtedly be watching this now that they know there’s a blog about them realize that A) I thank them for being such good sports and B) We are all laughing with you and not at you.

Here it is:

Living in a dysfunctional family definitely had its down sides.  You know, the feeling of being trapped in craziness, no one knows what you’re going through, how can they get away with this, what if I wind up being taken to a mental institution, etcetera etcetera.  So, is there an upside?  Yes.  Being able to make fun of absolutely everything I want to – in the best way I know how.  The written word.

Well, when I curled up on my 1983 Miss Piggy sheets in my sweatpants at my tender not-so-young age during severe unemployment and pronounced singlehood, a light bulb came on amidst the cookie-induced fog in my head.  What if I created a TV show that could invite the rest of the world to laugh with and at my experience?  Except, HBO wasn’t knocking at my door.  Okay, so I’ll do a web series, I thought.  I still needed money to shoot it.  I turned to crowd sourcing.

And, low and behold, you, my blog friends, beautiful people whom I have yet to meet, along with some other people in my life who probably felt sorry for me, contributed to the cause.

And the pilot episode was born.

THIS is what’s coming to you next Wednesday.

-Always use a coupon.

-It is better to receive than give.  But if you are going to give, use a coupon.

-Don’t go to a buffet without Ziploc bags.

-If you are going to wear sweatpants with holes, wear an ostentatiously colored sweatshirt to distract attention from aforementioned holes.

-Dining at a restaurant without stealing their sauces is like shopping for something and leaving the bag behind.

-People who pay full price are dipshits.

-Let someone else drive.  Gas is too expensive.

-“If it’s free, it’s for me.”

The curator of the KATRA FILM SERIES got a hold of the pilot episode for the MY PARENTS ARE CRAZIER THAN YOURS web series and chose to include it in tonight’s big event!  Yours truly, who doesn’t have enough money for a gala premiere outfit, will do her best to pretend she is a Hollywood star/auteur…because you never know what single guys will be in the audience!  And that is what this all about, right?

Just like the old days when I had a job, money, and hot fashionable clothes, I will be sipping an apple martini (You can’t take the Long Island out of the girl) and maybe some very old high heels, and I will be relishing the good life like nobody’s business.  I will hope that people laugh.  And I will be reminded that whatever you have to go through in life – can be written about, laughed about, and even cherished.

If you’re in the NYC area and you want to check out the world premiere of the pilot episode of the comedy/drama that has been my life – come to Katra.  Cheaper if you buy tix online: http://katrafilmseries.eventbrite.com/#

Maybe I’ll see you there!

My brother hasn’t spoken to me since the summer when my parents found out about this blog.  He accused me of “throwing everyone under the bus.”  These were harsh words coming from someone who I took under my wing since he was born and I was an eleven year old big sister.

I recently sent him an email to try to repair things or get the conversation going.  But no reply.  It’s weird how things change.  How a family member you’re so close to becomes a stranger.  Not everyone gets my comedy.  How unfortunate he couldn’t have been one who did.

We made a film together a few years ago.   Somewhat based on true events, it’s about a lonely outsider who rediscovers his self-esteem through Salsa dancing.   I practically forced him to do the film.  He wound up feeling like a star.

You can check it out here:

https://www.thewatchbox.com/movies/21-the-big-shot-caller#video104

If you watch it, let me know your thoughts…

My parents are in Florida.  And I am in Queens.  My life is luxurious inside the Dunkin Donuts on Queens Boulevard where I come to escape to my inner world where I am a published writer among other things.  My driver waits for me outside lest I ding the bell and he is summoned to drive me to Bloomingdales for a shopping break to alleviate my mental fatigue from too much expressed genius.  I long for nothing.  Not a Chanel suit.  Not a Clarins beauty product.  Not even a Boston Kreme.  This world is starting to feel quite good…until the asshole two chairs down starts blabbing into her cell phone.  She is going on ad nauseum about the contents of her spiced rum dessert – like NOBODY else is listening – and doing so in an unforgettable Queens/Spanglish dialect.  Why do I need to hear this??

I can no longer dwell in my fantasy world.  I must only try to control my temper.  And now I remember why Angry Gladys was created.  To channel my passive aggressiveness into something more constructive.

I recall the time I tried to buy something at the store, but the cashier was too busy texting her friend to acknowledge my presence.  This, and every single other time someone has spoken TOO LOUDLY on a cell phone next to me makes me feel DISSED.  Like I’m not important enough to you to deserve some peace and quiet?

So, this Angry Gladys episode is for all of us out there affected by annoying cell phone users/texters and their ignorance.  Please enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvueQ0BpBN0

When I read this on her blog, I thought of my usual modus operandi, like at summer camp, when I would wait until the last day to tell the cute guy that I liked him.  That way, I thought, his rejection of me would be short lived and soon gone.  Nonetheless, there is a sort of courage that comes about when you’re at the finish line.  The end comes near, and boldness rushes forth.

Dezur, like me, worked at many restaurants and bars while finding her way.  She wound up acting in some very interesting projects.  I’m most partial to this one:

Dunkin Donuts is my home away from home.  I spend so much time at writing there that I’m expecting a shareholder certificate any day now.  Plus, I speak Bengali enough to get a free refill once in a while.  But, I digress.  As Dezur says, “Now in my fifth decade, I may finally have figured it out. Here it is — You never figure it out. So I’ve stopped trying and instead focus on actually living my life. You know, following the natural course, letting things get — well — RIPE.”

The title of her blog is a nod to Al Pacino’s ‘overripe’ line in GODFATHER III, Just when I thought I was out, life pulls me back in.

You know, that’s the thing about life.  You can try to back away from your calling and your heart’s desire only so much until life will slam you against the wall and say, “Sorry.  There’s no running from this.”  There’s no playing small in this life.  You can try…because you think it’s easier…but inevitably it’s more uncomfortable.

“I Fired Aaron Sorkin” was one of my favorite of Dezur’s posts.  I found myself immediately glued to the screen gobbling up her words, mainly because he is my FAVORITE actor, but then more importantly because of the message.  Aaron may have been an ‘asshole,’ but he did what he wanted.  And that is why he got to where he is.  He didn’t let self-consciousness or what others thought of him pave his destiny or man his ship.

While Dezur considers herself a serious actress, she was told she was made for sitcoms.  She says, “As we all know, there is nothing more serious than comedy.”   I couldn’t concur more.  She can currently be found playing Mrs. Arthur in the “Mel and El Show.”

Check out her blog www.theripeproject.com

Her spirit really comes through her words.  Full of color, personality, life and a sense of humor, there’s a message for all of us.

So, Dezur, thank you for supporting the MY PARENTS ARE CRAZIER THAN YOURS Web Series Project.  But an even bigger thanks for being an inspiration to me.  And may you be an inspiration to all of us to “not wait” until the last day of camp to talk to the cute boy.  To live life to the fullest now, to take chances, and to do what we came here to do, which is expressed in the desire of our hearts.

Then, on Wednesday, while I was eating an egg sandwich that I had to pay for with all the dimes and nickels in my purse, I received a call from a random number on my cell phone.  It was the casting agent that I had auditioned for the week before.  An unprecedented event was happening.  I was chosen for an acting job.  I would be one of the work-out enthusiasts hanging around Denise Austin and asking her questions.  “Are you available tomorrow for the shoot?” the male voice said through my phone.

“Fuck YEAH are you fucking kidding me????” is what I wanted to say, but in lieu of sounding unprofessional, I practiced restraint and just said, “Absolutely.  I will be there.”  I hung up the phone, my hand shaking, and noticed my eyes were moist with tears.  I had to use the crumpled napkins to wipe my eyes.  I didn’t know if I was crying because I was actually chosen for a paid acting job, or if it was some kind of evidence there was a God, who was saying, “Myra, here’s a nugget of goodness so that you know that life is actually good, and I haven’t forgotten you.”

So, yesterday, I woke up at 6am, took Vito for a jog through the chilly Queens neighborhood, showered, and rode the subway into Manhattan for the Denise Austin shoot.  I wondered how or why I was chosen for this.  I’m not your typical beauty nor do I have an amazing slender physique.  I eat too many cookies (as many of you know), and to make up for my perhaps oversized ass, I compensate with my sense of humor.  Then I thought back to the audition and how in my improvisation, I pretended to be afraid to go to the gym because of all the hot guys who distracted me there and how I was prone to fall off the treadmill with my obsessive staring.  Ah yes, this is what got me the job.

While I was sitting in the make-up chair getting brushed on and applied to, Denise Austin walked over to us and screeched with delight in a grand hello and welcome.  I have never met a cheerier spirit.

The whole day was an inspiration to me.  I couldn’t help but think about how consumed I get with my problems and how I let that bring me down.  And here was this successful, beautiful woman who at 55, is a fitness trainer to the stars.  Sure, she has a lot to be happy about…and she isn’t worried about whether she’ll have enough to eat next week.  But what if I could have some of that spark?  That spirit?  That joy de vivre…simply for the heck of it?

She was like a little kid who liked to joke and laugh at herself.  She had enormous compassion and would make a joke every time she screwed up her lines.  Which was a lot.  And after an eight hour day of sitting around on yoga mats and asking scripted and non-scripted questions, Denise and I took a photo together.

I rode the subway home knowing I only had an hour before I had to head back into the city to go do a trial run at a new waitressing job.  I walked into my storage unit of a bedroom, hugged Vito while proclaiming “I’m a professional actress!!” but then sat on my bed.  I was feeling a wave of melancholy.  I really wanted to call my parents and say, ‘Guess what I just did?”  I wanted to share the ups and downs that had been my week.  One of the most challenging ever.

But, they’re not talking to me.  They don’t seem to share my sense of humor when it comes to what I’ve written about them in my blog.  They don’t see that it’s really a Seinfeld-esque kind of funny.  I guess I can’t blame them.

Sometimes I just feel like a little girl, who despite having crazy parents, really still needs them.  Do any of you know what I mean?

In the meantime, I am writing this at a communal table in a Starbucks in Queens where the girl across from me is screaming into her cell phone in Japanese, while her friend is applying Hello Kitty lip gloss next to her like nothing is wrong.  I am giving the cell phone offender dirty looks, but she is oblivious.  This is EXACTLY why I’ve given my loyalty over to Dunkin Donuts for writing sessions, but all their tables were taken.

Anyway…if any of you would like to support me, my blog, or the post production on my web series, please buy a t-shirt for a minimum donation of $50… Or you can also donate what you’d like.  It would be super awesome.  Here’s the link:

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_donations&business=PTDYSWXYHM59S&lc=US&item_name=Marlene%20Rhein&currency_code=USD&bn=PP%2dDonationsBF%3abtn_donateCC_LG%2egif%3aNonHosted

And before wrapping up, I’d like to also say that Sprint sucks.  Trying to reach their customer service is atrocious and when you do get through, you get told things that don’t seem to apply the next day.  F—k you Sprint!!

Lastly, being that this is Thanksgiving season, I’d like to just express gratitude for the following things:  This blog and the readers.  My dog.  My new friend Jules (gojulesgo.com).  My friend Justin who saved my ass today (Zebra!).  The painful things that force me to grow.  Whoever chose me for that commercial.  The ability to choose what I think about despite what the circumstances are.  And my parents who aren’t speaking to me but who’ve given me a wealth of humor to share.

Reblogged from Go Jules Go:

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When I heard Marlene ("Myra") Rhein from My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours (MPACTY) was turning her blog into a web series, I knew I needed to get involved. Stat.

I emailed Marlene on the off-chance she'd need volunteers during filming. Though hers was one of the first blogs I followed, we'd never corresponded outside of her blog. I tried to sell myself.

Read more… 299 more words

As Jules will attest to, these T-shirts are hotter than pancakes!  Who needs electricity when you can BE electric wearing this hot commodity.  All you have to do is donate at least $50 or more using the PayPal button below and I will personally send you a t-shirt in a package sealed with a kiss.  Just send me an email with your size and shipping address, and I’ll get it out in the mail to you immediately.  (You can click on this too-long link below)

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_donations&business=PTDYSWXYHM59S&lc=US&item_name=Marlene%20Rhein&currency_code=USD&bn=PP%2dDonationsBF%3abtn_donateCC_LG%2egif%3aNonHosted

Here is a picture:

Here is a picture of our driver and bodyguard (after all, I’m always followed around by the paparazzi) sporting this lovely piece of goodness after receiving word from the CIA about a team from the Enquirer encroaching on my make-up trailer.  He was only able to save me because he was wearing this magical t-shirt.

And of course, our cameraman, who only after putting on this t-shirt was able to create remarkable images that were immediately sought after by Entertainment Weekly.

You will not only look amazing in this magical garment, but you will be helping me finish post-production on the pilot as well as providing me and my dog with the means to dine on lobster, um, I mean a modest meal every day for the next month until this pilot is finished.

P.S. Stay tuned for an upcoming post about my friend, XXX and The Ripe Project.  She’s an awesome lady and I want to tell you about her.

With love,

From Dunkin Donuts in Queens where my ass gets fatter while the donut shelves get emptier,

Myra.

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