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“Cell Phone Avengers” #24
Rob and I are like Wayne and Garth; two unemployed losers who have to get away from our senior citizen parents and do something useful. I think we’ve found our purpose. It all started when I tried to take Rob to the library to find a book on his mom’s depression, and there, in the […]
“VITO THE GUIDO” #19
February 16, 2011
Vito refuses to take off his gold chains. He says he feels naked without them. Vito could be considered what anthropologists of our day call a “metrosexual.” Sometimes Vito doesn’t even care about the opposite sex. He derives his self-esteem from looking good. He often quotes Billy Crystal, “To look good is to feel good. […]
“The UPS Man and His ‘Package’” #16
February 9, 2011
I’ve always had a thing for UPS guys. They’re sexy and nice. What more do you need? So, when the doorbell rang and I ran down to open it to this cocoa-colored brother, standing 6’2” in his nicely pressed browns, how could my heart not miss a beat? In my sling, I sign for the package […]
“About To Get Some Action” #14
February 7, 2011
The rendezvous was set. Sunday night in the city I would meet The Indian – the ex who’s been texting and wanting to see me. Of course deep down I was hoping this was our second chance; that we would resume the lovely relationship I had so missed. But, for now, and maybe to protect […]
“Match.com” #13
February 6, 2011
Before “lockdown” I had subscribed to Match.com in the city, with very little action, yet quite a lot of disappointment. My subscription is about to expire in a few days. I hadn’t thought about it much, but there was a 29-year-old who had emailed me three times over the last few days. This was his 4th email sent, no-lie my peoples, just […]
“Vito Wants to Audition for ‘Jersey Shore’” #11
February 4, 2011
I would take him, but my Dad won’t let me have the car.
“A Shitty Situation” #10
February 4, 2011
My Dad says as I walk in the kitchen, “I’ve renamed your dog ‘The Ass Canon.’ What are you feeding him?” “I…” “–He farts like it’s going out of style. I don’t have many years left. I don’t want to live with them with a gas mask.” I’m thinking to myself, I get it. Dogs […]
“The Guy Who Dumped Me is Texting Me” #9
February 3, 2011
So, sometime before I got fired from my bullshit day job, I met this guy who was unlike any I had ever dated before. He was kind, smart, almost a bit nerdy (which I thought was a good thing, since I’d always had a penchant for assholes), and very tall. Things started slow, but before you […]
“They Ambush Me” #8
February 3, 2011
Now that I’m living with them, my mother has a new lease on life, a reason to wake up in the morning. She has found her life’s purpose: to get me married. Which is funny, because I can’t say I’m much of a looker these days. I eat about 12 Mallomars a day and haven’t […]
“Still High” #7
February 2, 2011
This is what it looks like when you’re unemployed, living with your parents, and your dog gets high off your secondhand smoke.
February 24, 2011
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